Hello friend,
It's mid-December, and if you're anything like me then you'll have feelings about this time of year that are a bit, well, complicated!
To be clear, there's a lot that's going right in my world this week - the tree is up, the fairy lights are delightful, presents are mostly bought and wrapped, and courtesy of my partner's cooking the whole house smells like orange, cinnamon and candy peel - it's homely, gorgeous, and I'm very grateful!
So it's not that anything's terribly wrong. At the same time, I can't help feeling there's a lot of tension at this time of year. I think it's tension that many people who are wired for authenticity, depth and genuine connection experience on some level. It's the tension between expectation and reality, between the ideal of what we instinctively feel the Christmas season should be about versus what it so often is - and how we are expected to behave and perform as a result.
It's the tension between: - Naturally wanting to slow down as the days continue to get shorter and we spend more of our waking hours in darkness, versus the reality of feeling rushed and pressured into being busy - whether it's to wrap up at work, to buy wrap and sort Christmas gifts, to attend end of the year socials etc. There's a lot going on at exactly the time when there shouldn't be;
- Recognising the deeper meaning behind the Christmas season, even for those of us who aren't Christian, and comparing those deeper values - of peace, of compassion, of generosity, of hope, and of understanding - with the glaring commercialism we're often confronted with instead;
- The tension of being expected to 'perform' happy, even with everything that's going on in the world at the moment, until at least the 2nd of January;
- Wanting the same rich, deep, meaningful conversations we look for at every other time of year, only to realise that we're just a checkbox on other people's 'people I should see / message at this time of year' list. This is performative festivity at its best, and it's not my cup of tea at all.
I've felt this mixed bag of emotions surrounding Christmas for a long time, and it's really influenced how I approach my preparations and my whole attitude towards this time of year. I want it all to be for something - something more than just eating as much and buying as much as we possibly can, anyway! I'm not the Christmas Grinch, I promise...but I have had to work out how to do it on my terms.
To find my own sense of belonging, peace, connection and meaning at this slightly unhinged time of year, here's what I've been upto...
Moving some catch ups into January. Rather than trying to pack all of my meetups into the first three weeks of December, I've spread them out - moving a few people into January so that we have space and time for meaningful conversations. It's taken the pressure off completely, and means there are lots of lovely things to look forward to on the other side of the New Year!
Taking time over my Christmas cards. I've spent time writing my Christmas cards this year - adding updates, questions, personal messages and so on. I know card-writing can become another one of those things that just needs to 'get done.' But if I'm already making the effort to buy, write and post cards, why not take a few minutes extra and make sure that each one strengthens and deepens my connections?
Giving to charity. It feels nice to be able to do something meaningful. This year, we're buying gifts and bedding for children living in poverty in the UK, through Action for Children. It feels good, connected, real.
Being mindful in nature. Nature is reliably authentic. Trees don't pretend to be festive, or try to perform joy. They just are. So I've been taking my time on the daily dog walk, tracing the shapes of the leaves, breathing in the cold air, noticing how the light falls. It costs nothing, requires no social energy, and helps reset my nervous system, leaving me with more to go around.
Watching Harry Potter while curled up in blankets at home (and other rituals). Rather than jumping from event to event and spending time in bright, crowded places which leave me grumpy and drained, I've made a conscious choice to make being at home peaceful, joyful and seasonal. We have scented candles, soft lighting, cosy blankets and kids' films that take us back to a simpler time. Bliss!
Being grateful. In amongst it all, I'm taking time to reflect on how lucky I am to have what I have, and how grateful I am for the people I call friends.
It's a strange time of year for sure. Heightened, performative, where some of the normal rules are suspended and everything feels just slightly out of kilter. I have to remember that it's just December! What happens now doesn't define what next year will be like. In January, when the decorations come down and life returns to its normal rhythm, there'll be room for real conversations and real connections again - and I for one can't
wait!
Do be gentle with yourselves over the next couple of weeks, won't you? Do what feels meaningful to you, even if it's not traditionally festive, and stay focused on what brings you peace. Your desire for authenticity in the middle of all this isn't a flaw. Next year, it's exactly what will guide you towards the belonging you're looking for.
With warmth and love,
Hannah x
Hannah Carmichael OBE Friendship & Connection Coach www.hannahelliscarmichael.com
Ps: if you're also having mixed feelings about this time of year and have anything you'd specifically like some advice on, I'm holding a drop in session online this coming Tuesday (23rd December). Midday UK time / GMT. Come along for a chat, or just to say hello! Get the access link through The Friendshift Circle (two week free trial, then £10 a month. Cancel any time, no ongoing commitment).
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